Not now, not ever
by Brittiecoolgirl
Summary: Being transported into Kageyama's body wasn't what I had planned. I didn't like being someone, it scared me. Throw my in social anxiety and distrust for a certain someone and you've got the recipe for disaster. Right? ON HIATUS UNTIL I FINISH 'NOT WHAT I EXPECTED'
1. Chapter 1

This can't be real, nope, impossible. That was the series of thoughts going through my mind as I 'woke up' in the Karasuno gym, still wearing that horrid red track suit.

Okay, calm down, relax and don't get yourself banned from the club as the first thing you do. If I was to keep living as a complete idiot, which I was _not_ thank you very much, then I might as well make some things easier for everyone.

"Ah! It's you!" An oh-so familiar voice yelled.

Hinata Shoyo, sunshine child that I would protect with my life.

But to stay in the character of Kageyama a bit… "Ah, it's you…"

Not going to bother acting like I didn't know him.

"You two know each other?" Sugawara asked, popping in out of nowhere and giving me a heart attack. "Sorry if I startled you, my name's Sugawara Koushi, or just Suga for short."

Both Hinata and I bowed in respect, though I could tell that Suga really only had his attention on me. "You're the setter from Kitagawa Daiichi right? Great to have you here."

"Pleasure to be working with you…" I mumbled, feeling slightly awkward. I was never good with people, or introductions for that matter. "Kageyama Tobio."

I turned to Hinata, trying to divert the attention from me. "And who are you again? Sorry, I don't really remember…"

Talking to people, the bane of my existence. God, I wanted a volleyball in my hands at that time.

"Hinata Shoyo!" He was suddenly nervous, talking in front of his senpais.

I didn't care about that. It wasn't the fact that they were my senpais, I was just nervous around, well, everyone. People were the most terrifying thing on the planet. It wasn't the monster under my bed, I had befriended the guy. Not the sharks, beautiful creatures that they were. Not the demons that spoke to you in the night, they told some helpful things when you listened.

It was people. People were what was wrong. People were the ones I was scared of the most.

The two of us entered the gym, meeting our other senpais and all that. Luckily for me, Hinata and I hadn't gotten into a fight at the entrance. Nor did we knock of the wig from the principal's head. All good things in my mind, maybe this would give me an advantage with befriending Hinata.

Wait, why did I even want to be Kageyama. I could easily return to my real self, to being Renee, and just staying quiet in the classroom, get good grades, no friends and live life like that.

Damn, those thoughts even depressed me…

When I put it like that… then having a fresh start could really help me out.

"You know," Daichi began, "I gotta say that I'm curious how you set. Care to show us?"

Ah, setting. My specialty. Oh dear, did I even remember how to do that? The vague memories spreading through my head provided me with all the answers I needed.

"Yeah, sure."

The two of us walked to the single court in the room and grabbed a volleyball along the way.

It must've been muscle memory that made it so easy for me to perfectly place the ball in Daichi's hand but I must admit that I loved doing it.

It was fun, setting that is, and seeing the impressed expression on my captain's face made it all the better. Like it was worth it for me to be in that gym. A feeling like I belonged.

That got sentimental quickly…

But you know, the first few days of being a part of Karasuno were relatively boring. So I learnt how to do the first edition of the quick, so what? There was no one yet to use it on.

One thing that I did change drastically was teaching Hinata how to receive. Because I actually bothered to teach him the basics about it and didn't just spike a few balls at his face.

The others also tried their hardest to help the little crow, well, except for Tsukishima. But that was pretty much to be expected. He was a little more tolerable though, not sure what was the reason for that.

And then the news came…

"We're going to have a practice match against Aoba Johsai." Takeda announced. "Though, they have stated that they have a requirement for Kageyama-kun to be the setter."

Ah, that. The match in which we played against my old teammates, the ones who hated me. Hell, Iwaizumi was the only one from that old team that didn't hate my guts.

And I didn't deal well with people that don't like me. The sheer dislike scared me to no end. I really didn't want to confront any of them.

"Sugawara-san, are you okay with this?" I asked my senpai, knowing that he was the regular setter.

"Ah, yeah. It's fine." He quickly reassured me, though I could hear the tremor is his voice.

He wasn't fine with it. That much was obvious. Well, it wasn't like I even wanted to play in that match. I didn't want to meet those guys.

Ahahaha, I was going to have several stress attacks soon. Fun.

And that was the truth, I didn't deal well with stress at all. I even had one in front of the team, it made them pressure me to take a physiatric test which only gave me the same diagnoses I had before. Social Anxiety.

Nothing new for me, I knew how to deal with it. It was something I had lived with for years.

Even though I had days to prepare for the match I still felt terrible and physically sick. Not that it mattered, it always happened.

So even when I saw Kindaichi and Kunimi at the gate I stayed quiet, trying my hardest not to let my anxiety show. Something I had become an expert in.

I even ignored it when Tanaka and Tsukishima terrified Kindaichi and Yahaba. It would be better for me to not speak to any of them, it might give them a clue that I wasn't Kageyama. And I did not want any of them to know that, actually correction, I didn't want them to know I had anxiety. Especially Oikawa, he was willing to do anything to win. Even break his opponents. That meant that he could very well try to trigger one of my attacks just to get me off the court.

I did not trust Oikawa. And by extension the entirety of Seijo, because they would tell him. They absolutely would.

"Kageyama," Sugawara's voice shook my from my thoughts, "your breath is speeding up. It'll be okay, we won't let them know."

I felt my eyes widen at the compassion in his voice, the fandom was right, Sugawara really was the team mother.

But he was right, I needed to get my breathing back under control before I lost myself in my thoughts. It wouldn't do for me to panic before the match and attract attention.

Right, I knew how to do this. Breathe in for seven seconds.

Breathe in.

Hold it for five. Count the seconds.

Breathe out for seven seconds.

I slowly let my breath leave my mouth and repeated the exercise a few more times. Although just looking at Hinata made me calm down with ease, why? Because he was ten times more nervous than I was. I vaguely remember that he would embarrass himself several times during the practice match but I couldn't quite find myself to care.

Better that he attracted all the attention than me, even though I knew that it would end up on me anyway. I could probably deal for a while.

That didn't mean I was looking forward to it.

We walked into the gym and I tuned out how Shoyo was being overly excited at the large ceiling. What did that matter?

Right, he wasn't as nervous as I was. Was he? It was hard to tell with someone like him.

"Alright, it's time to warm up!" Daichi called out.

A chorus of 'yes' passed through the team and we set out to do as ordered. Seijo hadn't entered yet but they would try to make it as extravagant as possible.

They just worked like that.

I had managed to calm down enough to play, my first match in the new body. It was pretty nerve wracking. But I kept my calm, there was no way I would lose my cool in front of the team that disliked me the most.

After a while we lined up to begin the match, with me having a red jersey on with the number 9. I took several more deep breaths, this was not the time for me to lose my cool.

The match begun, and I somehow managed to keep myself together. From the outside at least. I think. I certainly hoped.

Anyway…

Seijo got the first serve, which Daichi received cleanly. It was perfectly received even, so that was what it felt like to get an A-pass.

I set the ball for Tanaka and he spiked it into the ground. Kindaichi was there to block but I guess none of them expected for me to immediately do a quick.

Now what was normal to say when one of your teammates scored? Oh yeah. "Nice kill." I complemented right before I realised my mistake.

Kageyama didn't give compliments, not at this point in time at least. Shiiiit.

The look Kindaichi and Kunimi told me that they had overheard and boy if those two gave me anxiety.

Go away, you're making that nasty feeling return. I tried my hardest to ignore them but it was kind of hard to do with two pairs of stares right in your back. Daichi noticed it too and stood behind me, I didn't know what he did but both of their stares disappeared. Did Daichi glare at them or something?

It didn't really matter to me. I just had to make sure I stayed as silent as possible. To be make sure my panic didn't show. That was my only goal there.

From the looks of things I succeeded.

The match continued on, with Seijo's admittedly hilarious reaction to the super quick. Until Oikawa arrived.

The smug asshole gave Karasuno an innocent smile but I could feel it. The slightly threatening part of that smile, directed right at me.

Instantly my shoulders stiffened up. My breathing hitched in the back of my throat and I tried my hardest not to freak out.

"Yo Tobio-chan, it's been a while." He greeted me.

I swallowed thickly and willed my voice not to shake. "Oikawa-san."

There was no need to say anything else, not that I wanted to say anything else.

Tanaka, being an amazing senpai, interrupted our staring contest and got the game going again. This time though, Oikawa would be playing.

But we wouldn't lose in a practice match at the very least. That much I wanted to make sure of. It just seemed that I had underestimated how good Oikawa was at serving.

It was the same as canon, Hinata challenged him and received the serve even though it was rather sloppy. The ball was high enough for us to do the quick.

I set the ball to Hinata and he spiked it right beside Oikawa's head. Ending the match.

The surprise was rolling of Oikawa's body in waves but was quickly replaced by something else, curiosity.

That was likely the only reason he confronted me outside, alone.

Something that terrified me to no end.

"You've really improved haven't you Tobio-chan?" He began innocently, no doubt already trying to figure me out.

Stop it. Stop talking to me.

"Yeah well, it's been a few years." I replied back, putting my shaking hands in my pockets to hide them from Oikawa.

Stop it, I don't want to talk to you. Go away.

Oikawa hummed. "True, true. But you know, I'm really curious about something."

"What is it?" I asked, fully aware that my thoughts were spiralling down the rabbit hole.

Stop it, stop it, stop it, _stop it_.

Oikawa looked me in the eye, his friendly mask completely gone.

"Are you really Tobio-chan?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you really Tobio-chan?"

Those words rang through my head several times, had he noticed?

"W-Who else would I be?" I asked, scolding myself when I stuttered.

Oikawa chuckled. "Right, you're not the brightest I forgot. Let me rephrase that: what happened to the Tobio-chan I saw in Kitagawa Daiichi?"

The relief I felt when he said that almost made my fear go away but, seeing as I was still in the danger zone it didn't.

I looked to the side, frantically thinking of an excuse. "I-I simply realised some things…"

"What things?"

I took my hands out of my pockets and began fiddling with them, moving my thumbs in circular motions across my palms.

"Just… things."

Oikawa kept looking at me, though it seemed more like he was looking through me. My vision turned blurry and I knew that a panic attack was coming up. I had to get away from him. There was no way I would lose it in front of him.

"Excuse me." I fast-walked past him and made a beeline to the bus, entered and sat down.

Just don't look outside, don't look outside.

I knew that my behavior would raise some red-flags, especially considering Kageyama never acted anything like that before.

The rest of Karasuno hadn't entered the bus yet but were waiting outside. They were now huddled around the entrance, forming a rather protective circle.

My behavior had also made Kindaichi and Kunimi curious and seeing as Oikawa had become curious then Iwaizumi would automatically also be. Which made the entirety of Seijo curious.

"We just want to know what happened." Kunimi calmly explained. "He's never given a compliment before so we were just curious as to what changed."

Okay, I might be a little biased towards Kunimi. He was always the nicer one. Though he definitely didn't like me either.

"True," that was Kindaichi, "Kageyama's always only thought about himself. This is just plain weird for him."

The feeling of tears creeping up appeared in my eyes. Goddammit, I didn't want to cry! My breath hitched in my throat and the familiar feeling of not having enough breath came. I clamped a hand over my mouth, if I made too much noise they might notice me!

"That's what you think Kageyama's like?" Hinata wondered, voice full of… disgust?

"Yeah! We've been in his team for three years, he's never been anything like this."

Then Tsukishima spoke up, the first of many times that he would defend me. "Three years? And you've only ever thought of him as an asshole?"

I assumed that Kindaichi and Kunimi nodded.

Tsukishima's voice turned bitter. "If you've failed to notice something this obvious in three years then ask yourself this: did you ever know him at all?"

And then there was silence. Tsukishima had not only defended me, he had silenced Seijo by presenting them stone-cold facts.

Kindaichi and Kunimi didn't even know the canon Kageyama, nevermind me.

But it made me smile, it was a small gesture that Tsukishima had done but it meant so much to me.

He had also effectively finished the entire conversation. Another plus.

Thanks, Tsukishima. I appreciate it.

Once again I repeated my breathing exercises, trying to keep it calm.

It was working, but that probably had something to do with the fact that I hadn't fallen too far into an attack.

The rest of the team entered the bus as well, stony expressions on their faces. It would've scared me, if I hadn't known what had happened outside.

But I did know, and it felt nice that they were protective over me. It made me feel happy.

The bus ride back to the school was mostly silent. Everyone was just going over the match. I remained silent as well.

After the meeting I went home, and immediately slid down on the floor.

That day was far more intense than I wanted it to be. Too much for a single day.

I just knew that I would be sick the next day. That was a rather common thing that happened to me.

To be honest, there was nothing I wanted more than go to sleep.

So I did. I showered and went straight to bed, happy that I got my homework done before the match.

My body fell asleep before I even hit the mattress.

When I woke up, my prediction had come true. I had caught a small fever and called in sick.

But after that, my days were pretty dull. Well, until we played against Nekoma. The kitty cats. I love kitties. It's just unfortunate that they weren't real kitties.

It also meant that there would be one more person joining the team, and don't even get me started on the meeting with Nishinoya and Asahi. Though it went rather smoothly, it still was extremely unnerving.

Luckily for me however, both of them were supportive of me. Nishinoya even told me that he would be more than happy to take the attention away from me and onto him, since he rather liked being the center of attention.

But anyway, Nekoma was next on schedule, followed by the Inter-High. Ahahaha, so not looking forward to that.

Nevertheless, when the day came, I went with the team to enter the gym we were lucky enough to get.

Daichi and Kuroo 'greeted' each other, the aura the two emitted only unnerved me more. Thanks for that captain.

So I did the normal thing, I stayed as far away from anyone as possible. Only realising when it was too late that I had gotten closer to Kenma.

Wait, what was I freaking out over. Kenma didn't know Kageyama before I entered him. I didn't have to worry about the most dangerous person in the show figuring out who I was.

"I-I'm sorry," I stuttered out in apology, "I didn't see you."

Kenma looked just as shocked as I did before something flashed through his eyes, recognition.

Did he seriously already figure out that I had-

"You've got social anxiety, don't you."

Motherfuck- he did.

I began swinging on the heels of my feet and mumbled: "Maybe…"

He nodded at me, a silent acknowledgement and walked back to Kuroo.

That was when a terrifying thought struck me, was he going to use my anxiety to his team's advantage? Surely not. Surely he had better things to use, surely he wouldn't solely target me out of the entire team. He wasn't the type to do something like that right?

Right?

Nononononono, he would. He would target me, trash talk me. Hinder my playing ability and made me a burden on the team. Then they would think I was useless too and get rid-

"-ama! Kageyama!" A voice shook me out of my thoughts.

Sugawara. It was just Suga, calm down.

Suga looked at me with concerned eyes. "I think you're having an attack, do you need to sit down?"

He grabbed my shaking hands and led me to a bench on which I nearly collapsed. Something that obviously attracted the attention of everyone in the gym.

Karasuno and, surprisingly enough, Kenma immediately realised what was happening and attempted to distract the rest of Nekoma. An appreciated gesture.

I took several deep, but somewhat shaky, breaths. These people weren't Seijo, they weren't Seijo, they weren't.

So there was no need for me to be so afraid of them. No need to fear them. No need to hold back against them. No need to pretend to be anyone but myself.

That thought calmed me more than anything else did.

With that mindset I played the match, not caring in the slightest that we lost. I simply played to the best of my ability.

Perhaps I should learn how to control my jump spike…

I probably should.

Nekoma was an interesting team, but that was something I had expected from the get go. What did help was that Kenma didn't actually take advantage of my anxiety, a pleasant surprise. Though logically I should've seen it coming. Kenma wasn't a bad person.

The two of us even exchanged peaceful nods as they went back to Tokyo. A friendly exchange between two socially anxious people.

"Kageyama-kun, right?"

I startled at the sudden sound and spun around, completely ready to run away at the nearest sign of danger.

It was just Kuroo, the sin with a grin.

"Ye-Yeah, can I help you?" Must I stutter so often?

His smile, somehow, softened. "Kenma's told me about your condition," There, my breath hitched, "I won't use it to my advantage, don't worry. But if you ever need to talk about it, with a relative stranger, give me a text. Cause I know that people like you are pretty much terrified of calling others."

I grabbed the paper with his number, completely astonished. "Thanks…"

And with that they were off. Leaving me rather surprised at the nice gesture. Well, you know what they say, talking about it with a stranger is better than not talking about it at all.

There was nothing else planned until the Inter-High, which meant that I would have some evenings to myself.

Evenings in which I could do nothing, absolutely nothing. The best thing ever.

Or at least, that was the plan…

It was about a week after the Nekoma practice match, on a rainy Friday afternoon.

I had been taking a run when the rain started tumbling down and decided to instead go back home, I didn't feel like catching a cold. And that was when I found him.

In one of the streets I took as a short-cut I found Oikawa sitting on a bench, getting absolutely drenched in the rain.

The thought of just ignoring him crossed my mind but I decided that hey, I wasn't an asshole so I confronted him.

"Oikawa-san? What are you doing here?"

Just asking him anything unnerved me. But I endured it.

Oikawa looked surprised to see me. "Tobio-chan?"

Was it too late to start running again? Yes, yes it was.

"What are you doing out in the rain?" I repeated my question, trying not to think too hard about what could potentially happen.

He chuckled, it was forced. "I don't think that's any of your business."

I flinched, that's true, it certainly wasn't any of my business but I still interfered.

"I know, I'm sorry," I mumbled, "but if you stay out here you'll catch a cold."

That made Oikawa narrow his eyes, why was he so suspicious of me? Or was it just his blatant hatred for me?

"So what? What does it matter to you?" Oikawa's tone turned angry.

Why was he angry with me, what did I do wrong? Maybe I should've just minded my own business and ignored him, yeah, I should've.

I swallowed thickly and turned to leave, not wanting to let the tears flow down in front of him.

But he stopped me, Oikawa stopped me. He grabbed my sleeve, something that made me look at him again. He wasn't looking me in the eyes and there was a red hue on his face that I should've noticed before.

He wasn't blushing, that much was certain. So I pushed my anxiety away and put my hand to his forehead. It was burning hot.

He had a fever, why was he outside then?!

Before I could do or say anything else, Oikawa fell forwards. I was just able to catch him.

"Oikawa-san? Are you okay?"

Oikawa didn't respond, he had fallen unconscious.

What was I supposed to do now?

An hour later I wondered to myself if I had made the right choice. Taking Oikawa to my place, I mean.

He didn't have his phone on him so it wasn't like I could call his family or something. And it wasn't like I could just leave him on the streets. That was why I had taken him to my house.

Which made me remember something else, during the entire time I had spent as Kageyama I hadn't once seen his parents. Sure, their numbers were in his phone but from the looks of things, the last time they had visited their son was before he graduated middle school.

Kageyama was a neglected child. Yet another thing that explained his behavior in the anime. Didn't change the fact that it was horrible though.

Well, at least it meant that I had a spare bed Oikawa could rest in.

I had put him in my parents' bed when I had gotten home and prepared some tea for myself, making sure to leave enough in the can for Oikawa as well.

But man, what a day. Meeting Oikawa, the man I trusted the least, and having the situation turn into one in which I brought him into my own home was not part of the plan.

I sipped my tea and contemplated my life choices.

Splendid. This was fine.


	3. Chapter 3

This was not fine! This was by far the worst thing ever! Why did I ever think this would be a good idea?

Ugh, he would definitely wake up soon and then I would have to explain to him where he was and how he got there and-

Deep breaths, deep breaths. Don't shoot into a panic now, you don't have time for it. You could panic at a later time when, you know, Oikawa was out of the goddamn house!

Frustrated, I put my face in my hands. This was a horrible plan, moreover, why did I bring him to my house? Why not the hospital? It would've been pretty reasonable too, a guy fainting on you whilst you were talking. Seemed like a valid enough reason to go to the hospital.

Yet I didn't. Nope, I decided that it would apparently be a good idea to bring a guy that hated my guts, to my own home. Without any adult supervision around.

But I had done it and there was no going back anymore. So I might as well deal with it.

I shot a look at Oikawa's still asleep form. I had placed a cold towel over his hot forehead and tucked him in with the softest blankets I could find. He seemed to be pretty comfortable but the red fever hue on his face and the way he was panting slightly told me otherwise.

With a quick check of his temperature the goddamn stupid device told me that he did have a fever but that it wasn't as high as I had initially thought it was. Which was a good thing, don't get me wrong.

He had only worsened his own condition by going outside in the rain for god knows how long. That was all on him.

Being a good host, despite not wanting to be one in the first place, I prepared some chicken noodle soup for him.

Still wondering how this had happened to me I went upstairs to my room, grabbed my volleyball and started tossing it against the wall. It helped to calm me down quite a bit.

I was always searching for ways to calm myself down. It was a form of coping with my condition. Or well, it was something that my previous therapist suggested I do. I took the advice to heart and found that it actually helped quite a bit. As long as I didn't start stressing out that I couldn't find ways to calm down.

Any way to calm down was a good way. Unless you were talking about drugs. Those were pretty much always bad, unless you used them for medical reasons.

After some time my hands grew tired of being up all the time and I stopped playing with the volleyball. Instead I ended up making and re-making my homework a rather lot. I also ended up studying for far longer than was healthy. Always have some breaks in between your studies, that was important. But whenever I got truly anxious I tended to throw myself into my studies, obsessively learning for all the things I needed to learn.

Not a healthy habit, I'll admit. It had ended up with me falling asleep in the middle of the day several times.

But it was during this obsessive studying that Oikawa woke up. This was signaled to me when I heard something fall. Presumably Oikawa when he tried to get out of bed.

So, being the reasonable person I was, I went to investigate. And I did, in fact, find Oikawa on the floor, his head in one hand whilst the other leaned on the bed frame.

"Oikawa-san?" I called for his attention, ready to bolt at the first sign of danger.

Instantly his head snapped up, and Oikawa flinched from his own movements. He likely had quite the headache so sudden movements were not the best course of action.

"Tobio-chan?" Oikawa's voice was somewhat shaky. "Where am I?"

"My home." I spoke slowly, still rather scared of him. "You fell unconscious on me and I couldn't get find your phone so I brought you to my place."

I was well aware that my words were rushed and that I was almost furiously fiddling with my hands.

Oikawa seemed to catch that too, luckily for me though, he didn't mention it. Something I would forever be grateful for.

Oikawa stiffened up. "Oh, thanks, I guess. But I need to get going."

He tried to get up again, but almost instantly collapsed again. I, having expected that, managed to catch him and helped him get back on the bed.

"I-I don't think that's such a good idea." I stammered a bit, another thing to have an attack about later. "You still have quite the fever and it's pretty clear you can't really stand so maybe it's better if you stay here for a while."

Oikawa was stubborn however. "I don't want to stay here, let me leave Tobio-chan."

I swallowed thickly. "I can't let you do that. You might collapse again."

Please just take my word, please just listen to me. It would be better for the both of us.

But of course he didn't listen, because why would he?

It was annoying to be honest. Couldn't he just take my word for it?

Oikawa looked ready to protest again, but something stopped him. Namely that his face scrunched up and it also turned rather pale.

"Tobio-chan, I think-"

He didn't need to say anything more, I grabbed a bucket I had kept close to him just in case and gave it to him. He proceeded to puke in it.

While he was doing that, I went ahead and grabbed a glass of water, knowing that his throat would be quite dry once he was done.

Oikawa gulped the water down greedily and let out a rather loud sigh when he was done.

There was a silence amongst us for a bit.

"Maybe I do need to rest…" Oikawa mumbled so softly that I barely heard it.

I didn't know if I was relieved or even more terrified at that. Probably relieved but it did mean that I had to keep him around for some more time.

"Do you, like, want to call someone?" I asked hesitantly, already fiddling with my phone.

"Sure."

Oikawa took my phone from me and I left the room to give him some privacy. It was the least I could do.

—-

So, I still have no idea how it happened. But I was stuck with caring for Oikawa until he was completely recovered.

Why? Because apparently his family was in the middle of moving and they had no space for their son. Completely idiotic. Stupid. Hopelessly moronic. More stupid than Hinata.

I groaned. "Why me?"

Why me indeed, I definitely should've just minded my own business. Now I was stuck with the person who hated me the most for an unknown amount of time. Not to mention that Iwaizumi was sure to visit his best friend, maybe even more people from the team.

Agh! That would be the worst!

But I shouldn't jump to conclusions, that was bad for my health. Wait, did this mean I had to skip school? It might.

"You don't have to skip school just to take care of me." As if reading my thoughts, Oikawa answered my silent question.

I gave him a sceptic look. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he moved himself into a sitting position, "if you just show me where you keep your tea, it should be fine."

That was true, drinking tea was good for you if you were ill, right? Right. That didn't mean my nerves would lessen.

"Fine." I sighed deeply. "The tea's in the top cupboard on the right. Just make sure you rest properly alright?"

Oikawa gave me a flippant wave, it looked ridiculous when his face was so red. "Yes sir."

I pushed him down on the bed, he seriously needed to lie down. "Rest, Oikawa-san. And get better soon."

"Mmk." He mumbled before promptly falling asleep on the mattress.

Apparently, Oikawa got rather loopy when he was sick and tired. Instead of the typical angry response. Though that was something to be glad about I suppose.

Better he was loopy and slightly out of it than that he verbally attacked me just because he was slightly pissed off. Yep, I really prefered the loopy version. It was much better.

The next day I went to the Karasuno gym for practice, because even though it was the weekend we still had training. I admit, it was kind of annoying. Though at that time it was nothing but a relief for me, it meant that I didn't have to spend the entire day with Oikawa.

Now that I thought about it, wouldn't this open up the perfect opportunity for him to go through my stuff? Oh god it was. He would go through all of my belongings at his own pace and he would find- wait, what would he find?

Nothing, he would find nothing but volleyball magazines. Because the real Kageyama wasn't interested in the normal things teens were into. He was just so dense that he only payed attention to volleyball and nothing else. I was very much different, I considered myself to be relatively intelligent, a genius compared to Kageyama, and had multiple interests. It was just that I hadn't been able to find the time to get anything that was in my personal interest.

So he wouldn't find anything he could blackmail me with, that calmed me down quite a bit.

"Are you okay Kageyama?" Suga asked, having noticed how I had stiffened up.

"Ah, nothing really. Don't worry about it."

Daichi fixed me with his trademark dad look. "With you saying that I'm only going to be more worried."

Why were they so interested? It wasn't really any of their business was it?

And that was when my phone started ringing.

Who would be calling me, why were they calling me, did I know them? Let it be known that I've never been exactly good with phone calls, especially making phone calls.

I looked at the name at the top of the screen. Kindaichi Yuutarou.

Why the hell did I have his number?! Oh right, we were teammates before…

Why was he calling me?! What did I do wrong? Did I make him angry or something or, or-

"Kageyama, deep breaths!" Suga's urgent voice helped me calm down a bit.

Whoopf, okay, I could do this. Just deep breaths, seven seconds in, seven seconds out. And repeat.

During the exercise to calm me down, my phone had stopped with ringing. Only for it to start again a few seconds later. Something must really be up.

So I braced myself, grabbed the phone and pressed accept.

"Yes?"

"Finally!" Came Kindaichi's relieved voice. "What took you so long?"

The annoyance was wrongly placed and it showed in my voice. "Well excuse me for being busy with practice." I took a deep breath to calm myself. "What do you want?"

"Do you know where Oikawa-san is?"


	4. Chapter 4

Ah, Oikawa, of course, why else would Kindaichi call the person he despised the most? Certainly not to reestablish a long lost friendship. No, he was just curious where his senpai and captain was.

Which gave me a dilemma, did I tell him where he was and then for sure have the Seijo team in front of my doorstep, or did I say I had no idea where he was, lying, and taking the risk of being discovered and hated even more?

Wait, did they even call his parents? Shouldn't they have informed the team where their son was?

"Did-Did you call his parents?" Why did I keep stuttering around these people?! They could catch on!

"We did!" Thankfully Kindaichi wasn't the brightest tool in the shed and didn't notice it. "They just laughed at us and told us he wasn't at home but at a friends' house! But not which friend. He's not at any of our houses and Iwaizumi-san would definitely know if Oikawa had any friends outside of school and he has no idea where Oikawa-san might be, you're kind of our last hope at finding him."

Ah, so Oikawa's parents thought it was funny he had ended up at my place. They probably knew that Oikawa didn't like me whatsoever and thought it would be hilarious not to pick him up.

Wait, why hadn't Oikawa called Iwaizumi? They were best friends, they told each other everything, so why not this?

There was of course the chance that Oikawa didn't want Iwaizumi to know he was at my house, he would probably be embarrassed that he needed the help of the teen he despised the most. That was probably it.

"What if…" I began slowly while shaking ever so slightly, "what if, and this is only a suggestion so don't take it to heart, Oikawa-san doesn't want to be found?"

I pulled the phone from my ear, already having anticipated the reaction. "Huh! What the hell do you mean with that!"

Just as I was about to answer there was some fighting going on in the background, making me hella curious as to what was happening. But I knew that it wasn't any of my business so I should stay out of it.

Yet I had said that, because that was exactly what I would've wanted had I been in that position myself. If I didn't immediately tell my best friend where I went or was going then I wanted to be left alone. It was something I had at least once or twice a month. I had quickly realised that I needed to be myself every once in a while. And I don't just mean alone after school hours. No, I needed to be alone for an entire day in order for me to completely get rid of my stress.

Perhaps Oikawa needed some time like that as well. It wasn't strange, even the most extroverted of people sometimes need to be alone. It was a completely normal human thing to do.

So don't be afraid to be alone sometimes, there's nothing wrong with that.

After some more arguing the phone was taken by someone that was definitely not Kindaichi.

"Why would you say that?" Iwaizumi's tone was far more calm after all.

I swallowed thickly, already feeling far less nervous than before. Iwaizumi had a rather calming presence. "W-Well it's the only reason I could think of if he won't even tell you where he is."

"You may be right, Oikawa's a stubborn bastard," Iwaizumi sighed, "but he doesn't always realise what's the best for him. I know for a fact that he was sick with quite the fever, and something like that doesn't just go away in a single day. If he's with someone that I don't know then I might just lose it."

He raised some valid points, true, Oikawa was a stubborn bastard and he also tended not to know what was best for him. He always knew for others but was annoyingly stubborn with himself. Oikawa was the selfless type. He couldn't find it in himself to care about himself, only others. My opposite so to speak. I had far more trouble doing that. I could care about others and wanted to, but something always stopped me.

Namely, my fears, I was always afraid. I was just in a constant state of fear, of terror. And it wasn't ever going to change. Afraid was a part of my personality by now.

So it was just plain safer for me to mind myself more than others. It was safer, but that didn't mean I always succeeded in that. That was what it meant to be socially anxious and have unusually high levels of empathy.

Which was also the reason I never really liked American 'comedy' movies. Because apparently, in their eyes, public humiliation was hilarious. Not in mine. Not in mine.

Anyway…

"Well," I began, "I guess I can tell you… Oikawa-san is at my house."

There was a silence on the other side for a few seconds.

"What?" At least he didn't sound angry.

"Oikawa-san's at my house." I repeated, slightly softer and definitely more uncomfortable than before.

I heard Iwaizumi sigh. "How in the world did he end up there?"

"I found him during my run yesterday and he collapsed on me, I couldn't find a phone on him so I took him to my place. He's still there, I hope." I explained.

"Why hope?"

"It-It's like you said earlier right? Oikawa-san's pretty stubborn so he might've left thinking that he has recovered enough."

Iwaizumi was probably the only person in Seijo that I would ever feel remotely comfortable stuttering in front of. He just had this calm presence to him. Iwaizumi was the kind of guy that anyone would comfortable around.

"Is it okay if I come by?"

Right, of course he would ask that. But I had expected it, otherwise I would never have told him Oikawa was at my place. As long as it was just him.

"Yeah," I released a breath I hadn't realised I was holding, "I'll be there in a few minutes, do you know my address?"

He didn't, naturally, so I told him and hung up. It was fortunate that practice was basically over so it wasn't a problem that I had to leave.

"Kageyama, will you be okay?" Tanaka asked, a concerned frown on his face.

I nodded shakely. "Yeah, I think so."

"You started talking to someone else didn't you? Who was it?" Sugawara wondered, having listened in on the entire conversation.

"Iwaizumi-san," I told him, "he's the only one in that team that I trust."

Sugawara nodded slowly. "Alright, call any of us if there's a problem though. We won't mind."

Wouldn't they? Even if I knew they wouldn't be bothered I still wasn't likely to ever call anyone for any reason. Ever. I didn't do well with phone calls.

Still, I nodded at my senior and gathered my stuff and began the track back home. I was as ready as I'd ever be to face someone else, or more accurately, a group of people.

And I was correct in my assumption. It seemed that Iwaizumi was unable to control his teammates and they had all gathered in front of my home.

The temptation to run for it came to me almost immediately but I pressed it down, I had already promised to let Iwaizumi see Oikawa and it wasn't like I was any good in turning people away. Nope, I sucked at rejecting people. I could never truly tell someone 'no'.

So I sucked my nerves up and confronted them.

Kindaichi looked rather upset, for what reason was unknown to me, and he opened his mouth to say something.

Kunimi beat him to the punch however. "Kageyama," he greeted me politely, "didn't expect Oikawa-san to be here of all places."

I gave him a wry smile. "Neither did I. But it is as it is."

With that I tried my hardest to keep my hands from shaking too wildly and unlocked the front door.

Relief flooded through me when I saw that nothing was out of place in the house, well, aside from the sleeping Oikawa and the active television at least.

There was a glass cup in front of him on the coffee table that had likely contained tea and, after smelling the room, it was probably a honey tea. Good choice for the ill.

Upon seeing their captain, the players of Seijo fell silent. They probably didn't want to wake him up. That didn't mean however that it calmed me down, if anything, it made me more nervous than ever before. The silence was thick for me and I had no idea what to do.

"Well he looks a bit better than before." Iwaizumi whispered as he looked at Oikawa's sleeping form.

He did, Oikawa's fever had gone down a bit. Though that might also have something to do with the fact that his body was in a far more ideal location than before.

It was surprising in and of itself that he had actually fallen asleep and that he was sleeping so peacefully, usually when people had fevers they would be more prone to nightmares, at least in my experience.

But I digress, it meant that he was recovering and that was always a good thing. It meant that he could leave sooner.

That sounded rather impolite but it was the truth of my feelings.

To get out of the rather awkward situation I had worked myself into I decided to prepare some tea, the kettle would be hella loud but I honestly couldn't find myself to care.

Preparing something for your guests was the polite thing to do and I wasn't going to embarrass myself by being a bad host.

By the time that I had filled 9 cups of tea, Oikawa had woken up from all the stares that were focused on him.

He yawned sleepily. "Iwa-chan? What're you doing here?"

"Checking up on you, you idiot." Iwaizumi scolded him, though his voice stayed at an even volume. "Why did you go outside?"

Oikawa shrugged. "Dunno, seemed like a good idea at the time."

Good lord I felt awkward. Though from the looks of things I wasn't the only one that felt that way.

Many members of Seijo also seemed to be at a loss of what to do, hell, why had they even come? Kindaichi and Kunimi didn't seem to feel awkward at all though, seeing as they had been staring at me for quite some time now.

It was rather unnerving how they had no regard for my privacy and I was completely freaking out about it. Internally of course, there was no way I could show these guys what I was like. I had to keep lying to them.

Kunimi motioned for me to follow him, or more accurately, to lead him and Kindaichi into an empty room.

So, like a goddamn fool, I did as he silently asked and led the duo to my room.

"Can I help you?" I asked, leaning from on one foot and directing my gaze to the wall behind them.

"Yes actually," Kindaichi grumbled, though there was no real malice behind it, "one of your teammates, the tall blonde, said something to us after the practice match…"

That? What?

"And?"

Kunimi sighed deeply. "We're curious, how did we miss something in three long years that Karasuno has spotted in a month."

"Kageyama, what's is it that we're missing?"


	5. Chapter 5

**I feel like I need to make this clear, the members of Seijo DO NOT hate this Kageyama/Renee. Kageyama/Renee just thinks they do because of his anxiety**

You mean other than the obvious?

Naturally I didn't dare say something so bold, these two still assumed me to be the same Kageyama as in Junior High, not the person I actually was. Not to mention that there was no way I could pretend to be that Kageyama, it was impossible for me to pretend to be that confident and that stupid.

So what was I supposed to say?

Kindaichi became kind of impatient at my silence and nearly started yelling at me. "Oi, can't you answer?"

The sudden loud sound made me flinch back.

"S-Sorry."

Why was he always yelling at me? Did he really hate me that much? Of course he did, pretty much all of Seijo did. Group mentality was the easiest one to follow after all.

Kunimi however was quite different from his friend and had noticed my behavior. He had probably been observing me far more carefully than before since I had 'changed'.

"Kindaichi, stop." He said. "Give him some time."

It felt odd to say the least. In the anime Kunimi was never so vocal, nor did he sound all that caring for just about anything. But here, he claimed, indirectly, that he semi-cared for me and wanted me to tell them myself. Tell them about my anxiety myself.

Oh god, just thinking about it was terrifying. But I had to push through it. I did not trust them enough with that information. I didn't trust them at all.

But saying something like that aloud is…

Impossible.

And it would give them just another reason to hate me.

So what was I supposed to tell them?

Sorry I don't trust you so there's no way I'm telling you anything?

Like hell I could say that. It was rude, it was impolite, it was bold. All things that I could not consider myself to be.

I bit my lip and began fumbling with my fingers. "I-I don't want to- I don't want to talk about it."

The urge to slam my head against the wall came to me when I, once again, stammered on my words. Naturally I didn't do that because, it was bad for my health and I would seem insane to my old teammates.

But a stammer as great as that one was noticeable by everyone.

The frown that grew on Kindaichi's face was either from my words or the way I stuttered. I didn't know which it was and I didn't care, I just wanted this conversation to be over.

Something like that was impossible however and I knew that. A boy can dream can't he?

"Kageyama," Kindaichi began slowly as he looked me in the eye, "are you afraid of us?"

He sounded incredulous, completely stunned of his own conclusion.

He didn't know how right he was.

Just hearing him say it out loud was enough for me to break our eye contact, it was uncomfortable to begin with. I never understood how anyone could look someone in the eyes. It just always seemed so rude to me, and I could never keep it up for a long time.

Kunimi also seemed surprised at the revelation, he just hid it better than Kindaichi.

"You are." He repeated, "you are afraid of us."

Before I could reply however, something struck me. They knew. They knew that I was afraid of them. Some of the people that I absolutely feared knew of my weakness. And they would tell their team, they would tell Seijo, they would tell Oikawa.

He was the last person I wanted to know about my anxiety.

Not him, don't tell him. Please don't tell him.

The floor swayed underneath my feet and I lost my balance, almost falling to the ground.

Fortunately, there were two other people in the room with me who noticed and caught me in time.

"Kageyama? Are you okay?" Kindaichi asked, having caught my fall.

Okay? Was I okay? No I wasn't. There was no way I was okay. Oikawa was going to know, Seijo was going to know, everyone was going to know.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That was something I absolutely couldn't handle. They shouldn't know, they shouldn't need to know.

Kunimi was talking to me, or at least I thought it was Kunimi, but I couldn't register what was being said. The only thing on my mind being that they _knew_.

This was not how I wanted this day to go. Not at all. I was just supposed to go to school, have practice and come home to see Oikawa completely recovered and ready to get out of my house.

That was what was supposed to happen, not whatever hell I had worked myself into!

I knew that I was panicking, I knew that I was in the middle of an attack. But knowing it and calming down are two entirely different things. I didn't want to be alone, I wanted someone to be with me. Someone I could trust, someone that wouldn't hurt me.

There wasn't anyone in the house that could do that.

Someone touched my shoulder and I reflexively flinched back. Who was it? Who touched me all of the sudden? That's scary, don't do it. Please.

"-yama, hey-" For a few seconds I could fully hear someone's voice, a voice that decidedly did not belong to either Kindaichi or Kunimi.

Meaning that someone else was in the room with me, meaning that someone else saw me panicking, meaning that someone else knew.

Who was it!

"Kunimi, Kindaichi, make sure none of the others enter."

I couldn't tell from that alone.

"And don't tell them anything."

Now that, that was something I appreciated. This person, who I was starting to suspect was Iwaizumi, told the other two to leave the room, not let anyone else in and not tell the team. That much was enough for me to regain most of my senses, they had fallen away when I started panicking.

I was still in my room, huddled on the ground with my arms hugging my legs. There was a hand on my back making soothing circles, a motion I hadn't felt since I moved out of my parents' house. I sneaked a look at the person beside me. It was Iwaizumi just as I had suspected.

Not that that was a bad thing, Iwaizumi was the only one in Seijo I would even allow to freely touch me. Anyone else would've been slapped or pushed away.

Still, I stayed silent. My breathing still wasn't back under control and I really didn't want to talk to anyone.

Even if it was Iwaizumi.

"Is this what you've been hiding?" Iwaizumi asked softly, not looking me in the eye. "Is this why you ran from Oikawa?"

My silence was enough of an answer.

Iwaizumi exhaled through his nose. "Can't say I blame you for keeping it hidden. Oikawa's a scummy bastard after all… can I ask what exactly it is you've got?"

I hesitated for a bit before answering. "Social anxiety."

Iwaizumi hummed and stayed silent for a bit before he spoke again.

"We're not going to do anything you know."

Pardon?

"You've probably already realised that this is not going to stay under wraps." That made me shiver. "But none of us are going to do anything with it."

Liar. You wouldn't. Kunimi probably wouldn't. Kindaichi had enough sportsmanship not to do anything. The rest barely knew me so there was no logical reason for them to haunt me.

But Oikawa was another story. Oikawa wouldn't hesitate to make me have an attack if it meant he could win. Oikawa wouldn't mind destroying my mental state. Oikawa wouldn't-

"Not even Oikawa." Iwaizumi interrupted my thoughts.

What? What did that mean? Oikawa… wouldn't?

My expression was likely enough for Iwaizumi to elaborate.

"We both know that Oikawa doesn't exactly like you, so I'm not going to pretend he does." There was a shimmer of amusement in Iwaizumi's eyes for some reason. "But let me tell you this much; Oikawa does care for you. Oikawa does respect your abilities. Oikawa will do a lot to win, but causing a mental breakdown is not one of them. Oikawa will not harm you."

It sounded believable, coming from Iwaizumi like that. That didn't change the fact that I had trouble believing it however. This was Oikawa we were talking about after all. He was the main antagonist for Kageyama for a long time in the show.

Meaning the first two seasons.

That was a long time, several months actually!

Oikawa's feelings on me wouldn't change so easily. He's despised me since Kageyama entered junior high. For three years. Any emotion that has been building up for three years wasn't just going to disappear with a snap of the fingers.

"And if he does do anything remotely threatening to your mental state, tell me and I'll kick his ass." Iwaizumi smiled at me.

It made me crack one as well. The thought of Iwaizumi coming to protect me from Oikawa was amusing to say the least.

I sighed deeply, feeling exhausted. There was nothing more that I wanted right then but to sleep. Something that I couldn't do because I had guests in my house, guests that were probably very curious as to what was going on.

"Please don't tell them." I mumbled out, my breath still coming out rather shakily. "Please, please don't tell them."

Iwaizumi looked at me for some more time before he wrapped one of his arms around my shoulders.

"I won't," he almost whispered, "if you don't want me to then I won't."

Nothing could've prepared me for the relief I felt right then.

**I don't actually have the high level of social anxiety that Kageyama/Renee has so writing this and any sort of panic is pretty difficult. If there are any big mistakes that I've made, please don't hesitate to tell me. Until next time!**


	6. Chapter 6

The temptation to fall asleep was great but wasn't something I could just do. There were people in my house, people that I didn't want in my house, and just falling asleep while they were still there was impossible.

But I was tired and I wanted to sleep. The worst feeling ever in my own opinion. When you want to sleep but aren't able or allowed to. The worst thing.

I pulled away from Iwaizumi after a few minutes in silence, suddenly not wanting to be touched anymore.

"Thanks…" I mumbled, just barely audible even to myself.

Iwaizumi shifted in his position on the floor and rubbed the back of his neck in an awkward motion. "Don't mention it."

I heard a knock on my bedroom door and lifted my eyes upward.

Kunimi and Kindaichi stood there, looking completely uncomfortable and awkward. The same way I felt, just at a lower magnitude.

Both of them looked at Iwaizumi, asking for some silent approval to enter the room again. Iwaizumi first looked at me for a few seconds, an emotion in his eyes that I couldn't identify, before he nodded at his juniors.

Kindaichi was for once silent as he approached me, though the look in his eyes spoke volumes. It was filled with sympathy and guilt.

I was used to sympathy, I saw it a lot whenever I got another attack. It was slightly annoying to see that same emotion every single time but I had long since gotten used to it. But the guilt was new. Why was he feeling guilty?

"Kageyama," Kindaichi began, "what just- are you okay?"

He changed his question in the middle of speaking. Why did he do that?

But was I okay? I certainly doing better than ten minutes earlier but was I okay? I would be okay, but at that point in time I wasn't quite 'okay'.

Saying something like that however was something I couldn't do.

Instead I nodded, a silent yes. A silent lie, maybe, but it might get that guilt out of him. Why was he even feeling guilt? It made no sense to me.

I redirected my gaze to Kunimi, finding guilt in his eyes as well.

Again, why?

"D-Did," Kunimi stuttered, something I had never expected to hear from him, "did we cause this?"

Ah, that was why. They thought they were the reason of my attack, which was the truth. It had happened before that people caused my attacks, often times unintentionally, and I never blamed them for it.

Other times though… they were caused intentionally. There have been people in my past that went out of their way to make me have an attack. These times were far and in between but they always left a lasting impression.

It was probably the main reason I distrusted Oikawa. He reminded me of those people.

But Kindaichi and Kunimi had caused one by accident, so I wasn't going to blame them for it.

"No, no you didn't." I sighed.

Kunimi didn't seem to buy it but Kindaichi slightly brightened up. As far as I was concerned my attack wasn't their fault. Luckily, Kunimi didn't remark on the fact that he didn't believe me and decided another topic instead.

A topic that I still very much would like to avoid.

"So… what was that?"

If it was possible for me to shrink away into the shadows then I would've done it without hesitation. Unfortunately that just wasn't possible and I was left with answering them.

It was the easiest option, they would've figured it out themselves anyway had I not told them.

The logic behind it did not mean that I was any less nervous about saying it aloud.

"I've got social anxiety." I said in a hurry, it was like I was ripping off a bandaid, do it quick and it'll hurt/bother you less.

There was no reply and I ventured to open my eyes, having closed them as I told them about my anxiety.

Kindaichi had a rather confused expression, it morphed into one of incredulity before it become straight up surprise.

Kunimi however, just kinda hummed, like he had expected the answer.

He probably put it all together while Iwaizumi was calming me down. Kunimi was one of the smarter ones in Seijo after all.

That didn't mean I knew how he would react to it.

"Thought so." Kunimi sighed. "But… it didn't seem like you had it in junior high, or at least, not this heavily."

I hesitated, what was I supposed to tell them? How was I going to explain my behavior back then? It wasn't like I could just come up with some bullshit lie in a few seconds flat, that was something I just wasn't capable of doing.

Instead of answering them I retreated in on myself, hugging my legs closer to my chest.

Kunimi took that as a sign that I did not want to answer. Was that a good thing or not? I didn't know, I didn't even have the desire to know.

The only thing on my mind was that I wanted out, I wanted to stop this conversation. I wanted to stop talking. I wanted all of them to leave, not because I didn't like them but because it was too much. I wanted to be alone.

But saying that… saying something like that. Telling people to leave was something I wasn't capable of doing. I preferred to subtly hint at it instead.

Whenever I did that however, people never seemed to take the hint and they always kept droning and droning on about the same things over and over again. They always arrived uninvited and would leave whenever the hell they wanted!

How could they feel so at home in the house of another?! It was completely unthinkable for someone like me. To intrude in someone's home like that and stay for hours on end whilst being unwelcome! That was something I couldn't imagine doing in my wildest dreams.

So why was Seijo still here?!

Why did they stay?! For what reason did they continue to torment me?!

Why couldn't they leave me be…?

"Kageyama, I don't hate you."

Everything froze the moment those words left Kindaichi's mouth.

What? He...didn't hate me? But if anyone, Kindaichi had the most reason to despise me! Kageyama had given him more than enough reasons to hate me! But if what Kindaichi said was true, then why? Why would he not hate me?

My eyes were trained on Kindaichi, as were the eyes of Iwaizumi and Kunimi. None of us had expected those words, none of us had expected him to say anything.

Aware of the attention on him, Kindaichi rubbed his neck self consciously. "I-I mean, anxiety makes you think crazy about all kinds of things right? So I thought maybe you were overthinking a lot, even what we think about you." Kindaichi swallowed thickly. "I just want you to know that I don't hate you, we're not friends or anything but, I don't hate you."

I don't think I've ever seen Kindaichi talk that much, despite what he looked like, Kindaichi was someone that liked to keep it short and practical.

...That didn't mean I could believe him.

**This is pretty short... but I've been having some trouble with finding inspiration for this story. That doesn't mean I'm not going to update anymore though, this story is going to keep going. ****SokkasSpaceSword** thanks for giving me some great info for the story! Your input is highly appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

Eventually, after some extremely subtle coercion, the trio left my room to let me think a bit. Which, in hindsight, might not have been the best idea considering my rather unstable mental state.

But I pulled myself together enough not to fall into another attack. Because that was the last thing I needed. That didn't mean I was all ready to leave the safety of my room.

Like I said, my room was my safe-space. A place where I could feel completely at ease and even express how I really felt. That was usually done online actually. It was a bit easier for me to talk online than in real life.

Not sure what the logic was behind that but I rolled with it. Chatting was pretty much the same, it was far easier for me to express myself over text messages than actual speech. By now you probably already know about the horror that are phone calls.

Why can't you just chat you order to the local pizza joint? Stores need to up their games.

Anyway…

I stayed in my room for what must've at least been twenty minutes, thinking about what had just happened. Iwaizumi told me that they wouldn't be telling Oikawa shit, or any of the Seijo members at that rate, and Kindaichi informed me that he didn't despise every fiber of my being.

Something that shocked me to the bone. Not that I really believed him. This was Kindaichi we were talking about after all. Though I wasn't sure if he was the type to lie to someone straight to their face, that didn't mean I trusted him enough to believe his words.

But for the sake of my mental state, I decided to go with it for the time being. There were still people in the house so there was no time to get too deep into my existential crisis.

Before I did return to the living room, I payed a visit to my bathroom. Checking the mirror to see if my eyes were still red from the tears from earlier. They weren't.

So I sucked up my nerves and opened my bedroom door to face Aoba Johsai's volleyball team.

The scene I came upon was not one I had expected.

Oikawa was still very much awake, and also very much trying to get as little rest as possible. Meaning that Iwaizumi, Matsukawa and Hanamaki were using their full body strength to keep their captain on the couch to get the rest he needed.

Yahaba and Watari both had phones in hand, likely recording the entire thing, and cheering Oikawa on. Kindaichi and Kunimi decided to be somewhat reasonable and had their hands over their faces.

All in all, not what I had expected.

But it did make me crack a smile.

"You will not keep me down forever!" Oikawa screeched dramatically, before promptly bursting out in coughs.

Iwaizumi punched his best friend to keep him from hurting himself even more. "Can you just stop already! Accept that you need to rest!"

"I've slept enough for the next century!"

"No you fucking haven't!"

I considered speaking up but decided against it for two simple reasons; one, I was a bit scared to have all the attention suddenly fall on me and two, this was far too funny to pass up.

So I positioned myself next to Kunimi and leaned against the wall.

"Does this happen often?" I whispered to him.

Kunimi let out a long suffering sigh. "I wish I could say no, Karasuno seems far calmer in comparison."

Despite wanting to hold it back, I couldn't control the small snort I let out. Karasuno? Calm? Those two words don't belong in the same sentence.

Much to my chagrin, my snort got the attention of the other people in the room.

I felt so incredibly small, being looked at by so many eyes. It made me want to crawl in on myself.

"Tobio-chan!" The last person I expected came to my rescue. "I've recovered enough to walk right?!"

Did he have to yell? I didn't like it when people yelled, it made me think I did something wrong.

I bit my lip but answered him anyway. "I'm not sure that's a good idea…"

Oikawa pouted at me, seemingly not noticing my soft tone. But I knew he noticed, I knew that he just chose to ignore it for now. He would likely confront me about it alone if he ever got the chance, a chance I wasn't going to give him.

"B-But if your temperature has gone down a bit then-then, maybe it's fine?" I offered a solution to keep the surprisingly childish third year at bay.

The speed at which Hanamaki sprang from Oikawa's legs to grab the thermometer must've been a world record.

Oikawa nearly gagged when Hanamaki none to gently shoved the thing into his mouth but he didn't fight it. He probably wanted to leave my house as much as I wanted him to leave.

After a few seconds of waiting, which were spent in a tense silence as no one knew how to start a conversation.

But the news the thermometer left me with was good, Oikawa's fever had gone down quite a bit. Enough for him to get the hell out of my house.

Iwaizumi scoffed. "So you did get better huh, how dare you cause so much trouble."

"Why are you blaming me?!" Oikawa yelled indignantly.

To be fair, it wasn't really his fault that he got sick. Most people get sick at least once or twice a year so it wasn't strange or anything.

Iwaizumi showed his affection that way, by pretending he didn't care and was inconvenienced. Deep inside though, he probably cared more than anyone else in his little friend group.

His attitude did depend on the people he was around. Iwaizumi had already shown everyone who had ever watched the anime that he and Oikawa had a friendship that mostly consisted of teasing each other and silent support. But Iwaizumi was pretty different with certain others.

He was typically a calm person, thinking things through whenever he could. But we all knew about his short temper, which was usually activated by Oikawa being his annoying self.

Around others, including myself as I had recently found out, Iwaizumi was far more considerate. He knew that the words he typically used on Oikawa could harm others and restrained himself, letting his fatherly side come to life.

Iwaizumi would make a good father, I just knew it.

Wait, why was I thinking about Iwaizumi like this?

**This might just be the start of some romance, though I'm really not sure how to go about it with Kageyama's/Renee's condition. Any and all tips are deeply appreciated!**


	8. Chapter 8

After pushing my weird thoughts about Iwaizumi to the furthest corner in my mind, I decided to start locking up for the day. Meaning that Seijo had to leave.

I'd have to ask them to leave.

Wait. That would leave me alone with Oikawa, wouldn't it?

That was not something I was looking forward to, at all. He'd have to sleep in Kageyama's parents' bed. Cause there was no way he was staying in mine.

The most favorable thing for me was for Oikawa to leave as well but… that wasn't going to happen. He was still too sick to get out in the open air.

So I was left with no other choice than to let him stay the night, wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

Iwaizumi told me to let him know if Oikawa got unruly. Something that I would probably not do even if Oikawa destroyed the house. Asking for help has never been something I was particularly good at. It meant that I couldn't do something myself and had to rely on others, making me look like an idiot.

Asking anyone for help was out of the question.

At first I had thought that Oikawa had recovered enough to get the hell out of there. But that wasn't the case.

His little actions, of refusing to rest, caused his fever to go up again. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Iwaizumi shot him the most annoyed look I've ever seen in my life, and I've seen a lot.

He also gave me a concerned look, wondering if I could handle having Oikawa stay the night.

Answer, no. But I was going to anyway. Because there was no other option.

With that, Seijo left my home. Leaving me alone with Oikawa.

Immediately I felt regret, regret that I hadn't told someone I didn't want Oikawa anywhere near me. But it was far too late to call anyone back.

There was an awkward silence between us, neither of us wanting to talk to the other.

I knew that we'd have to talk sometime, for necessity sake, but that didn't make it easy. I didn't like Oikawa, and Oikawa didn't like me. It was as simple as that.

The first sound that I heard from Oikawa since Seijo left was a giant rumble, coming straight from his stomach.

I never expected to see Oikawa turn red so quickly, or at all really.

"Are you hungry?" I asked before I could stop myself.

Somehow Oikawa turned even redder. "Yes…" He mumbled out.

I shot a glance at the clock in the corner of the room. It was almost 8 in the evening, long due for dinner.

It was a good thing I could cook.

Well, I was capable of making basic meals. Which was good enough.

So rice with a few side dishes was more than enough. Some vegetables and a few pieces of pork.

Paired along with water or tea. Whichever was preferred.

Dinner was eaten in complete silence, a tense silence. We had been alone in the house before but that was only for a few minutes. Now that we were both fully conscious and awake we realised that we'd be together until the morning.

It was the worst possible outcome for me. Spending time with Oikawa. The bane of my existence.

"Thanks…" Oikawa mumbled so softly I could barely hear it.

I blinked in surprise. "What for?"

Somehow Oikawa turned even quieter. "For taking care of me…"

Hold up, did Oikawa just thank me? Genuinely thank me? Had hell frozen over?

"You're welcome?" Why did I say that like a question? It made it seem like I was confused! Wait, I was confused. Really confused.

I hadn't thought in my wildest dreams that Oikawa would ever thank me voluntarily. But he did. Even if what I had done deserved praise, that didn't mean I ever expected him to thank me. It was out of character for him to do so.

Oikawa blushed. "Well, I wanted you to know that." He then sobered up, that familiar analytical expression on his face. "But we need to talk."

Oh god. That sentence was always terrifying no matter who it came from. Whether it was you parents, best friend or lover, it was a sentence that bode so many bad messages.

"About what?" I was fairly certain that my nerves were audible in my voice, but thankfully I didn't stutter this time.

Could we also not do this?

Oikawa looked me in the eye. "I don't know what happened with you and Iwa-chan earlier, he refused to tell me. But that only made me curious."

Of course he did. Whenever anything is kept from you by your best friend you'd become curious too. What could possibly be so important that Iwaizumi kept something from Oikawa? Was there any way that I could change the subject?

No there wasn't. Oikawa would keep pushing until he got the answer he wanted.

Was I able to tell him the truth?

I bit my lip, hard enough to pierce the thin skin. "I don't want to talk about it."

That was bold of me to say, especially considering that I never talked to anyone that way.

Oikawa's eyes narrowed. "Really now? Considering that Iwa-chan, Kunimi and Kindaichi all know I find that rather hard to believe."

I turned my eyes towards the ground. "I didn't want them to know…"

A flicker of amusement shone in Oikawa's eyes. "Oh? So they figured it out without your consent?" His eyes hardened again. "I find that hard to believe."

I couldn't blame him for thinking like that. Iwaizumi wasn't the type to pry when someone didn't want to talk. I wasn't lying though. I hadn't meant for anyone to figure out my mental condition.

"It's- It's the truth." I stammered out.

I hadn't stuttered all that much since Seijo had left and honestly, that was a good thing. It meant that I was getting my emotions under control again. But that didn't mean that I wanted to stutter at that exact moment.

Oikawa caught on to that stutter and used it as a weapon. "Then there's the fact that you keep stuttering around me. I find it rather odd."

Oikawa stood up and sauntered over to me, making me rise from my chair as well. I didn't want to touch him, I didn't want him close to me. Back off, back off, _back off_!

He didn't back off, in fact, he only got closer. Close enough that I couldn't back off any more because I touched the wall with my back.

Oikawa placed his hand next to me head on the wall. It scared me, go away. Stop it. I didn't want this.

"So tell me Tobio-chan," Oikawa fixed me with a serious look, completely intimidating me, "what exactly is making you so scared of me?"


	9. Chapter 9

I didn't answer, just staying silent. Hoping to God that he'd back up and leave me alone. Of course though, that didn't happen. Oikawa wanted answers, answers that I didn't want to give.

I tried my hardest not to look him in the eye. Oikawa scared me far too much for that. Please leave me alone.

Instead of listening to my silent prayers, Oikawa only moved in closer. Until he was only a few inches from my face.

"Not going to answer me Tobio-chan?" It sounded like a threat coming from him.

He was too close, too close, _too close_!

Frantically I pushed Oikawa away from me, managing to get some distance between us. The moment I was free from his grip I bolted to my room, not looking behind me to see if Oikawa followed. The only thing on my mind was that I had to get away, to get to safety.

For once I thanked the gods that my door had a lock, and used to it barricade myself into my room. Short, hasty breaths left my mouth and I backed away from the door.

This wasn't an attack, that much I knew. This was primal fear. I wanted to have nothing to do with Oikawa. Go away!

There was a knocking on my door. "Tobio-chan? Are you in there?"

Instinctively I moved backwards, trying to get away from him. By doing so, however, I knocked over one of my volleyballs that was resting on my desk. The ball bounced ominously on the ground before it rolled against the door.

The silence was deafening.

It confirmed that I was in the room. It let Oikawa know where I was.

"Tobio-chan?" Oikawa's voice was quiet. "Are you okay?"

Was I okay? Did he seriously ask that? Of course I wasn't okay. Far from it.

I didn't answer. Hoping that he'd get bored and leave.

But Oikawa was stubborn, he kept knocking on the door. Wanting me to open it.

He. Kept. On. Knocking.

The sound was too much, far too much on my already terrified mind.

He had to stop. To stop knocking.

The only way to do that was to let him in. Something that was never going to happen. I couldn't let him in, I couldn't let him into my safe space.

But… maybe I could talk to him, through the closed door. That should be fine, right?

Slowly I approached the door, trying affirm that I made the right choice.

I swallowed thickly. "What do you want?"

Oikawa was silent for a few seconds before he spoke up. "Only a few answers. That's it."

Was that it? Was that really all he wanted?

"Can you open the door?"

Instantly I stiffened up, no, I couldn't open the door. It wasn't only that I didn't want to but I wasn't capable of even opening the door.

"N-No, I'm sorry…"

I heard Oikawa sigh. "Okay, then. That's fine."

Was it really?

I stayed silent, not having anything else to say. Oikawa was the one with questions, not me.

"Are you okay?" Of all the things, that was not the question I had expected from him.

"I'm fine." I bit out rather harshly, he had no right to ask that.

The sudden bite in my voice took Oikawa aback, this was the first time I had raised my voice at him.

"Right," He decided to say, "next question. What is going on with you?"

Ah, the question I dreaded.

The few minutes that had elapsed had not changed my decision on the subject. I didn't want to tell him, or let him know at all.

"I don't- I don't want to say…"

"Can you tell me why not?"

Oh lord, that was far worse. There was no way in hell that I could tell him why not. I didn't trust him, that was the biggest reason. Saying something like that might as well be the end of the world for me.

"No," I breathed out, "I really can't, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise, you've done nothing wrong." Oikawa assured me.

Why was he trying to make me feel better when he was the one that put me into this state in the first place?

I didn't say anything, I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

Oikawa didn't mind and continued asking questions.

"Okay, then can you at least tell me how Iwa-chan and the other two got to know?"

Now that was a question I could answer, with some changes made to the story. I couldn't just come up and say that Kunimi and Kindaichi caused a panic attack and that Iwaizumi helped me calm down. But I could warp it a bit. That was something I could do for sure.

"Well," I began, "Kunimi and Kindaichi wanted to talk about something… they said some things that I answered and from that they were able to figure it out."

That sounded… very vague. Which, though I wanted it like that, seemed like something that Oikawa wouldn't accept as an answer.

Oikawa snorted. "Now that's not vague at all."

A wry smile spread on my lips. "Iwaizumi-san entered the room at some point, but I don't really remember that."

That much was true. I didn't know when or how Iwaizumi entered. Either Kunimi or Kindaichi must've called for help. There wasn't anyone better for helping others in Seijo than Iwaizumi.

Oikawa hummed. "I remember Kindaichi bursting in and asking Iwa-chan for help. I wanted to see what was happening too but Makki held me back, saying that I had to rest more."

He sounded like he was pouting.

In exhaustion I slipped down onto the floor. I didn't want to stand up anymore, I didn't want to talk anymore. I wanted it all to end.

Oikawa remained silent, likely thinking through the information I had given him and trying to figure me out.

Speeding through my memories, I tried to remember if he could put all the pieces together from the information I had given him.

He might be able to. He would be able to.

Oikawa could figure it out.

"Hey Tobio-chan," Oikawa finally spoke up, "I'm not sure about this. It's just speculation but… you don't trust me at all, do you?"

Now that's the understatement of the century. I absolutely didn't trust him, I didn't really want to trust him. Because in order to trust Oikawa, I'd have to get closer to him and spend time with him. Doing that would only increase the chances of him figuring me out.

My silence answered Oikawa's question.

"You don't trust me huh," he paused, but I detected a hint of pain in his voice, "you're also afraid of me."

A sound conclusion.

"Tobio-chan, what did I do to make you feel that way?" Oikawa asked.

There was no doubt about it, Oikawa was hurt that I didn't trust him.

But why?

Why did he care that I didn't trust him?


	10. Chapter 10

**Heyyyy, look who's late. Me, sorry? To be fair this chapter was not only a bitch to write but I've been bombarded with tests by school so please stay patient as I try to get live back under control. At any rate though... Please Enjoy!**

I couldn't understand it, why did Oikawa care? Why did he care that I didn't trust him?

"Tobio-chan, is there any way I can make you trust me again?" He asked.

Me? Trust him? I wasn't sure such a thing was even possible. The two of us were just completely different people. Incompatible. Just thinking about spending more time with him set a shiver down my spine.

"I'm not sure…" I murmured, not intending for Oikawa to overhear me.

He heard me anyway. "Really?"

His voice had an almost empty feel to it, as if it was broken with sadness. Again, why?

I didn't get it. Not at all.

The only way I could realistically figure that out was to ask him. Ask a question. To Oikawa.

Ahahahahahaha, no. No way in hell. Thank you, thought, but please never come again.

Still though, there was no reason for Oikawa to be upset that I didn't trust him.

There weren't many things I got curious about, curious enough to pursue answers, but this was one of those things.

I wanted to know why my mistrust mattered so much to him. Was it because then he could stab me in the back at the first chance he got?

That was a possibility I couldn't deny. Yet it was one that I didn't want to believe. In fact, I wanted to believe that Oikawa wouldn't do anything to hurt me, like Iwaizumi said. The voices in my mind disagreed though, reminding me of how he had cornered me not an hour ago.

To keep things short, my mind was all over the place. Logic and hope were trying to tell me that, since I had determined I could trust him, believing Iwaizumi was a good plan.

The other voices, my self-doubt and paranoia, told me that trusting anyone was a bad idea. Though I tended to trust those voices the least.

There was a way to determine how much I could trust Oikawa. And it involved opening my bedroom door. Being face to face with him would allow me to observe his facial expressions. Which, in turn, would give me a better idea of what he was thinking.

So, taking a deep breath to steel myself, I unlocked the door and opened it. Instantly Oikawa's eyes met mine.

He was surprised, not that I could blame him. I had literally said I didn't want to open the door earlier. Yet I did it anyway. It was my way of trying to deal with my disorder.

Besides, I'd have to face him sooner or later.

"...I didn't think you'd open the door." Oikawa finally said.

"Me either." I admitted. "But talking like this is easier."

"True."

Silence fell over us. Not a comfortable one either.

Instinctively I began fiddling with my hands. What else was I supposed to do?

"Tobio-chan, I've got one more question."

Oikawa's voice shot me out of my thoughts and, for once, I was grateful he did. I knew my own thoughts well, they'd been going down the rabbit hole.

Swallowing thickly I looked him in the eye. "What is it?"

"What did I do to make you fear me?"

The million dollar question. One that I couldn't answer. Not because I was afraid, but because I really couldn't. Oikawa hadn't given Kageyama a reason to be afraid of him. Not Kageyama, the canon one. My fears for Oikawa were mine alone.

So how was I supposed to answer him?

Answer, I couldn't. Not really.

"Because," My mouth opened to speak anyway, "because I've seen you."

Well that sounded cryptic and stalkerish. Great job.

"What do you mean?" Oikawa asked, an eyebrow raised in confusion.

Briefly I hesitated before answering him. "I've seen _you_, the real you."

That made Oikawa freeze. The knowledge that I had seen the real him. Yeah, I was well aware of how much he hid underneath his mask of happiness. The real Oikawa had already shown himself to me a few times as well. After the practice match and a bit

"O-Oh," This time it was Oikawa who stuttered, not a sound I had expected to come from him, "you have?"

I nodded.

"Are you sure? I mean, why would I hide who I am? That makes no sense." Oikawa's voice had sped up.

He swallowed thickly and continued blabbering. "And even then, my real self? How could you see that? I'm not fake. I'm not fake, I'm not. I'm not!"

Wait, was that what I think it was? Was Oikawa panicking? That was not something I had expected by any means. Did he get panic attacks too? Now that was new.

Nevertheless, I knew exactly what it was like to get an attack like that. Meaning that I also knew how to calm him down. Well, I kinda had to calm him down. Seeing as I was the only other human being around.

"Oikawa-san," I began to see if I could get his attention, "can you hear me?"

He nodded. His eyes wide as can be and shaking. Yeah, Oikawa was definitely having a panic attack.

Okay, I knew how to do this. I did.

"Do you know how to deal?" I asked softly, taking care not to touch Oikawa.

This time he shook his head. Which likely meant that he didn't get attacks often. Or it was his first in a long time.

"Okay," I took a deep breath, "breath in for seven seconds."

Oikawa attempted to follow my directions but found that he choked on the air. Making him continue panicking.

It was fortunate that I knew what to do, otherwise I probably would've joined him in his panic.

"Try to copy me okay?" If long deep breaths were too much for him, then I'd start with slightly shorter breaths.

Letting silence fall over us I took a breath in. Making sure that it was audible enough for him to hear.

Oikawa copied me successfully and I breathed out. He did the same.

We repeated this simple exercise for a few minutes, during which I made the time between breathing in and out longer and longer. It helped him calm down.

But you know, this was not what I had expected to happen. Pretty sure I've said that before… it still counted though.

It took about half an hour before Oikawa fully calmed down and another hour before he was willing to talk.

"Do you have these?" Oikawa whispered. "Do you have these often?"

I looked down at him, a sadness filling my chest. "Yes."

"How do you do it?" Oikawa asked, looking me in the eyes. "How do you go about and pretend you're okay?"


	11. Chapter 11

"I don't." Was my simple answer.

Which was true, I don't think I've ever really pretended that I was okay.

Successfully at least. I wasn't going to lie to myself, I don't think I've ever managed to really convince I was alright to anyone. But that didn't mean I hadn't tried.

Just...

People saw through me with laughable ease, which, in and of itself, only made me more anxious.

But somehow, someway, people still managed to miss the obvious. They managed to miss the way I was rather obviously avoiding them, to ignore all the signs that I was uncomfortable during conversations.

People were stupid. Knowing that didn't help my anxiety at all though. Even if I was well aware that most people tended to miss the obvious, I would still nearly throw up if I even thought about people noticing that my clothes were dirty.

Logically, I knew that no one would care even if they saw. But my anxiety had more power than logic in my mind.

Perhaps, if I couldn't convince myself of that simple fact, I could try to convince Oikawa about it.

"But you know what?" I continued talking, steadily ignoring my shaking hands. "I don't have to."

Oikawa's head shot up. A blank, not understanding look in his eyes. "What-What are you talking about?"

"Peo-People think- People make-" I paused to take a deep breath, my stuttering got too bad.

"People don't notice." I finally got out. "They really don't."

From the look in his eyes, it seemed like Oikawa still didn't understand.

"I-I mean, unless it is specifically pointed out to them, people don't notice the most obvious of things." I elaborated. "And even if they did, they usually don't care."

Oikawa scoffed. "That's nice, but you don't sound like you believe your own words."

I grinned wryly. "My anxiety overpowers my logic, but that doesn't make my words any less real."

We sat in silence for a bit, but this time, it wasn't an uncomfortable one. The first time I felt safe in silence in a long time.

I wondered why that was. Never before had I even considered that being alone with Oikawa was safe. So why did I feel at peace? Was it because I had seen him at his worst? Or was there another reason?

The two of us sat in silence for a bit longer before I got up again.

"Want some tea?"

Tea helped me calm down after an attack, so maybe it would work for him too. Not that I was sure about it, we were two entirely different people after all. People calmed down in various manners. There was no way I could tell how Oikawa preferred to calm down.

"Yeah, sure." Oikawa's voice had regained some of its usual life. "This time though, I think I'll take some normal tea. The honey was good, but nothing beats green."

Yeah, Oikawa was getting better.

Which also boded well for me, it meant he could leave sooner.

Don't get me wrong, Oikawa and I may have had a deep moment there but that didn't mean I trusted him. Not at all. As far as I was concerned he was still the same person I was afraid of a few days ago.

So the sooner he was gone the better.

That said though, I didn't feel like I had to lock my doors in order to keep him from snooping around my room. I didn't feel like he would take advantage of my emotional state, especially after I've seen him so vulnerable.

I suppose you could say that Oikawa lost some of his intimidation factor.

He didn't scare me as much as he used to. Perhaps, that was a good thing. Perhaps with this I could get over my fear of him at the very least. I was never going to get over my anxiety, something I had come to terms with, but maybe I could come to see Oikawa as just another person.

Hahaha, probably not. Or at least, not anytime soon.

But maybe it could happen.

Was it foolish that I kind of wanted to get along with him?

* * *

After our little heart-to-heart, I managed to convince Oikawa to return to bed. Taking the rest he still needed.

A fever didn't just disappear after an emotional moment, no matter how badly I wanted it to.

Surprisingly enough, I managed to get a full nights sleep. An uncommon occurrence on a normal day, a goddamn miracle on that one.

Honestly though, it was surprising what a nights sleep can do to the body.

With that I meant that Oikawa had fully recovered and was ready to get the fuck out of my house. A happy moment for us both, I'm sure.

After Oikawa had left I came to a realisation. The practice match against Nekoma had been days ago. Which meant that the next big plot point was coming up.

The Inter-High.

A tournament.

A place where hundreds of people gathered to watch the matches and to play in them. People that would be watching me.

Yeah. I was not looking forward to that at all.

Not that there was anything I could do against it. Karasuno would be competing. End of story.

The only mercy I had was that at that point in time, Karasuno was still considered a nobody. A fallen powerhouse. There wouldn't be as much attention on us as there would be on other courts.

Though that really only helped us with our first match. The second we already faced off against Datekou.

I'd like to pretend that I would be fine. It probably would be. That was how it always went. I would panic without end, go to the event that was stressing me out and everything would turn out just fine. Yeah, that was the order it went it.

I tended to overstress a lot. So this probably wasn't any different.

Yet I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong.


	12. Chapter 12

Surely it was just paranoia. It had to be that, because if it wasn't then I had a massive problem.

Nope, it was just me being anxious as always. Or at least, that's what I hoped.

The only thing that kept me from having attacks was my experience in these feelings. My anxiety always made me keep the worst possible scenario in mind, so whenever anything remotely good happens, it would be a pleasant surprise.

Keeping that in mind I made my way to school, desperately trying to keep my mind off of the matches.

Realistically I knew that we would win, but my skills played a huge part in it. Karasuno only won because of Kageyama. I knew that my skills were on the same level as him, but I just lacked the confidence Kageyama had in his skills.

That was my biggest problem. Did I have a solution? No, I had no idea as to how I was supposed to improve my self esteem. All the previous attempts failed.

"Ah, good, you're here," Ukai said when he saw me approaching, "that makes everyone. Let's get going."

Briefly I worried that I had kept everyone waiting but those thoughts had no time to really get to me. Why? Because Nishinoya and Hinata literally pulled me into the bus.

The smallest members were over the moon with excitement. Which was not something I could share. Our feelings on the matter were completely different, but I wasn't going to hold them back.

If I did worse than canon Kageyama then I would never be able to forgive myself. So there was a lot of pressure on me, pressure that I had put there myself but it was pressure nonetheless.

I took my seat next to Sugawara, letting the balls of energy stay close to each other.

Suga chuckled. "Where do those two get all that energy from this early in the morning?"

"Pretty sure they save it in the night to bombard us in the morning." Tsukishima remarked, scowling at the two.

"Tsukki…" Yamaguchi sighed, though his smile revealed his real feelings.

I gave my teammates a small smile before putting on my noise-cancelling headphones. A last ditch effort to calm me down. One that usually worked.

And it did. The music did it's job and kept me from being focused on the outside world and my thoughts.

An hour later and we arrived at the hall. Like I had expected, there were people everywhere. My worst nightmare.

How was I supposed to keep my calm in a crowd like this?!

"Kageyama, let's keep moving." Sugawara's voice shook me out of my head.

Thank god I wasn't alone. I don't think I would last if I was alone.

The team walked into the building and to a secluded area.

"Alright listen up," Ukai called for attention, "our first match is in an hour. Keep your eye on the clock."

"Yes sir!"

And we scattered. Well, the others scattered. I stayed with Hinata because there was no way I would spend an hour on my own in a place I didn't know.

So I stayed with the guy that was least likely to mind my presence for an extended amount of time.

The two of us went outside to pass a ball over. Hinata was more than content to do that for an extended amount of time. Ah, idiots were sometimes the best companions. Especially sunshine idiots like Hinata.

They made it easy to talk, about my feelings or just plain nothing.

"Daichi-san seemed like he knew that player didn't he?" Hinata used as a conversation opener.

I hummed. "They were probably just classmates in junior high."

"Like you and the two from Seijo?"

I hesitated. "Yeah… though they seem to actually be friends."

"Hey! It's fine. We're going to kick their asses again anyway!"

Such optimism. Where does he get it from?

"Let's first defeat the first team…" i sweatdropped. "It wouldn't be good to get ahead of ourselves."

"I know that!" Hinata exclaimed before quieting down. "Dateko is here too. So many strong opponents."

Now there was an interesting contrast. While I was panicking over those 'strong opponents', Hinata was filled with excitement.

If memory served, Hinata hadn't actually played more than one official match.

He deserved to play more matches. Not just because it was Hinata. I also wanted to play.

Even if it terrified me to no end. I actually loved volleyball. It might be the original Kageyama's influence that's making me think that way, but I couldn't find it in myself to care.

There was a simple reason for that, I had a passion in this life. I had hobbies, I had supportive friends. I had the life I never had before.

And it felt so good.

Warmth would spread in my chest whenever I spend time with the team. Passing a ball around actually brought a smile to my face.

If this was Kageyama influencing me, then I could only thank him. He gave me a second chance, while it was a chance I didn't want, I still felt that incredible gratefulness. If I ever got to meet Kageyama, the real one, then I had to tell him.

I would have to thank him. Even if he got angry at me. I would still thank him, thank him for letting me use his body, thank him for giving me a glimpse of life through his eyes, thank him for showing me what friends were. Thank him for allowing me to be him.

"Kageyama?" Hinata asked. "You've been spacing out for a while, you okay?"

"A-Ah, yeah, I'm fine. Just got lost in thought." I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly. "Sorry about that.."

"Don't worry about it!" Hinata smiled at me.

Have I ever mentioned that I love his smile? It made sure I didn't fall into my own thoughts. So bright.

…

It gave me a headache.

* * *

The first match wasn't too bad…

And I mean that.

There wasn't a lot of pressure put on me, because these were minor characters, so I didn't shoot into panic at inconvenient times.

Yay for small victories.

Still… I never ceased to be surprised at how good Kageyama-I- actually was at the game.

Setting felt like second nature. The ball would come for me and I didn't even have to think about who to set it to.

It was all instinct.

Vaguely I wondered if the original Kageyama felt the same about his setting, because I remembered a few times when he thought about where to send the ball to.

It hadn't been that easy for the original.

A flash of pride shot through me. The thought that I could do something better than the real Kageyama felt amazing.

Unfortunately for me, my anxiety slammed those feelings right back down when I spotted Aone's blocking.

Even knowing that he's actually a cinnamon roll didn't stop me from being intimidated. That was the simple effect Aone had on others.

And I had to play against him.

"Hey Kageyama!" Nishinoya pounced on me. "You really are an amazing setter!"

The rest of the team stood behind him, smiling at the two of us.

Well, at least I wouldn't be alone in this fight.


End file.
